


Colorblind

by Camerahead12



Series: Angstober2020 [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Destiel Promptober 2020 (Supernatural), Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Pining, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:35:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26882998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camerahead12/pseuds/Camerahead12
Summary: Day Seven; Midnight Talks
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Angstober2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950358
Comments: 11
Kudos: 20
Collections: Destiel Promptober 2020





	Colorblind

**Author's Note:**

> I had to make up for yesterday. ^_~

Dean glanced down to check the time dashboard, sighing as the never ending highway in front of him stretches on and on into the darkness. It is just a few minutes past midnight and the only companion that seems to be keeping him company tonight are the stars scattered throughout the sky. His eyes feel like they have weights tied to them and he knows he might not make it to the next town at the rate that he’s going. It’s his fault, he knows that. But he’s only been up, what, maybe a little over twenty-four hours. He’s ran on less sleep before.

_You’re not twenty anymore_ , a voice inside his head mocks him.

Dean spots a gravel road up again that seems to all but disappear in between a forest of thick trees. Slowing down just enough to make the turn, Dean turns off onto the gravel road hoping to find some sort of clearing he can pull off into and get a few hours of sleep.

The Impala bumps along for awhile before the trees start to thin and then, finally, disappear from the right side of the road. The gravel slowly turns into a less bumpy dirt road as Dean looks around at a wide open grassy field off to his right. As much as he would love to continue down this road and see where it leads, he has to pull off to the left where the trees are still thick and parks.

Dean lets out a heavy breath listening to his baby’s engine clicking and cooling as she rests. He needs to get into the trunk to at least get his duffle bag to use as a pillow or something. The last thing he wants is driving six more hours tomorrow with a stiff neck.

Reaching for the door is like trying to move underwater. His sore muscles that haven’t gotten a chance to relax since his last hunt a few hours ago burn. His hands move clumsy as he reaches for the door handle, grabbing and opening it on the second try. Stumbling out of the door, Dean manages to reach the trunk and open it without actually falling over anything. He decides it’s a small win. Chuck knows he needs to take whatever he can get at this part.

As he closes the trunk Dean pauses to look out across the open field, staring out into the star filled sky. A deep, painful longing clenches in his chest. His breath fogs in front of him as his eyes start to sting. _No_ , he tells himself. _Not now. Not here._

Wiping at his eyes angrily, Dean tears his eyes away from the sky and stomps around to the backseat, throwing himself inside and shutting the door with a little more force than necessary.

It takes awhile before Dean is able to find a comfortable position. He ends up taking a somewhat clean flannel from his bag and using it as a makeshift blanket, pretending like he doesn’t see his breath fog every time he breaths out. Dean tosses and turns, desperately trying to find a position comfortable enough to just let him rest his eyes.

After fighting with his flannel to cover both his neck and arm, something hard pokes him in the neck from his bag. Dean tries to adjust the bag, flipping it around and double checking there’s nothing there, before laying back down before yelping and grabbing the back of his head when something sharp jabs him.

Growling in frustration, Dean tosses the bag to the ground and props him up against the door. Being up for more than twenty-four hours would think that sleep would just be waiting to drag him under, but no, now that he’s parked and ready to sleep, he’s wide the fuck awake.

Digging out his phone from his pocket, he swipes it open to see that he’s got no new messages and zero missed calls. Not surprising. It’s been weeks since Sam tried calling. Dean hopes he finally got the message to leave him alone.

His fingers move automatically like a rehearsed dance he’s done so many times Dean doesn’t even realize the buttons he’s pressed before the phone is ringing. With a shaky hand he brings the phone up to his ear. It doesn’t ring anymore, but goes straight to voicemail.

_“I don’t understand. Wh-why do you want me to say my name? Dean, are you laughing? Dean! This isn’t funny. How do I turn it – ”_

A loud beep signals for him to start recording, but all he can do is stare straight ahead at his fogging window listening to the phone static until a robotic voice asks if he wants to save the message and he hangs up.

Hot tears blink from his eyes as his lip begins to tremble. Dean dials the number again, a sob escapes his lips as soon as he hears Castiel start to talk. When the beep cuts off his voice, Dean hangs up and dials again.

And again and again.

On the sixth call when the beep sounds, Dean can’t seem move his heavy hand away from his face.

“Cas.” His name comes out rough and it burns a little. A heavy lump builds in his throat as tears drip off his chin. “I-I did what you told me. I kept on hunting, but it wasn’t the same. Couldn’t stand the looks S-Sam was givin’ me so I left.”

Taking in a shaky breath, Dean looks up at the ceiling of the Impala just wishing Castiel was here beside him. “I miss you. God, I miss you. I can’t…Cas, I don’t think I can do this anymore. It’s too hard. It hurts too damn much.” His voice breaks as the recorded voice interrupts asking if he’s satisfied with his message and would like to send. Dean thinks he presses the right button for “yes”, but his eyes are too blurry with tears to know for sure.

With fumbling fingers, Dean redials the number, letting out a loud sob as Castiel’s voice comes through the speaker.

“I miss you,” Dean manages to get out sobbing harder. “I can’t – Cas, I can’t – It hurts so fucking much.” Dean buries his head in his free hand as grief and pain pushes down on him. “Please,” he gasps. “I need you. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I-I wanted to tell you. I thought we had forever. Cas, I can’t – I’m sorry. I lo-”

The beep cuts him off. Dean ends the call, letting the phone slip from his fingers to the ground as his body shakes with sobs. At one point Dean thinks he screams out Castiel’s name through his tears, like a plea to the universe to undo taking him away, but he can’t be sure. His mind ceases to function except a constant mantra of, _Cas, Cas, Cas_ over and over again as he mumbles all the words he’s held back from saying for years thinking that they had forever.

By the time the sky starts to lighten, Dean’s body shaking sobs have stopped. Silent tears only fall now as his throat burns with the screams he barely remembers yelling – the words he’s too late in saying. And still, sleep refuses to give him any relief.

**Author's Note:**

> Come scream at me in the comments! Kudos give me a high. ^_^


End file.
